Last Friday night I went to Wendover with some friends to play slot machines. As soon as I sat down to play, a member of the casino staff walked up behind me and said “Has anyone cashed out your jackpot yet?” Now I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I at least had the wherewithal to not answer riiiiiiiight away. I looked at the guy, and then looked at the screen, and sure enough it said “Jackpot Winner: $1464.25.” And just for a fraction of a second, time froze and I had one of those moments where I saw two choices laid out before me, and one of them portrayed me 1400 bucks richer. But… I couldn’t do it. I finally shook my head and was like, “This isn’t my jackpot. I didn’t win this.” And the guy could not fucking believe it!! And neither could I!!!
Why am I telling you this? Because I’m trying to illustrate a point- I can be honest to a fault. There is much about me that is reprehensible, but prevarication is not usually part of the tapestry. If I tell you a movie is worth watching, I truly believe that it is.
Now, put all that on hold and look at this movie poster.
Unbelievable. But you’ve been fooled before, right? You grew up in the Nintendo era and you learned the hard way to never, ever trust box art.
Well this looks awesome….
Oh… no. Oops.. It isn’t.
And it wasn’t just video game box-art that lied to you. It was album covers…
And cereal boxes…
And Book of Mormon pictures…
Everything gave you a false sense of awesome in regards to the type of content you’d find inside. But not THIS movie poster.
This movie poster is like me talking to the Casino manager in Wendover- honest to a fault. You can look at this poster and instantly know pretty much everything about the movie. Go ahead, give it a whirl. If you’ve never seen Fire and Ice, just consider what you suspect the plot of this movie to be. I’ll bet you’ll be 60% proficient before you read on any further. And it’s all thanks to the movie poster.
The casino thing is a convoluted way of making my point, but it’s also true. I ended up losing $200 playing the buffalo game.
BUFFALO!!!
Is it fun?
Trying to go back and review movies from the early 80s is hard because movies were so, so, so bad in the early 80s. SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP AND LET ME EXPLAIN!!! And quiet your nostalgia for whatever John Hughes piece of bullshit you’re about to gush over.
Movies are one of the few forms of entertainment where we can see a clear and absurdly large progression over the course of our own lifetimes. For example, with sports, you could take the greatest basketball players of the 1970s and 80s, and they’d find a way to probably play ok in the NBA today. With music, you can hear songs as far back as the sixties that are beautiful, and poignant, and often still relevant. Even TV to an extent is kind of the same, formulaic, good-stuff-is on-HBO content as its always been.
But here’s what movies looked like in 1983:
And it wasn’t just the cinematography. The music in movies was bad. Did you know that movie soundtracks didn’t always exist? Being in charge of movie soundtrack used to be the equivalent of just making a spotify playlist of Beethoven classics. And movies that DID create their own soundtracks usually used that strange little “brass band medley and/or opera” that seems so out of place when you watch movies today.
So, I guess what I’m saying is, it’s hard to decide if these movies are fun. Jupiter Ascending is one of the stupidest movies I’ve ever seen. In 1983, it would have been the greatest movie of all time.
Are the characters…gewd?
This is Necron.
He hates regular non-purple humans. Or at least his mom does. Necron himself often seems a little over it.
Look a this angsty white-walker motherfucker.
And Necron and his mom and bunch of subhumans (cavemen), they make war on regular humans. And… Necron… is…..waaaaaayyyyyyyy…….INTO IT !!!
[gasps of pleasure]
Hahahaha. What??? Somebody toss Necron a towel. Wipe yourself off, man.
This is the opening scene of the movie. There are Whitesnake videos that are less sexual.
The rest of the characters are Larn
Teegra
And Dark Wolf. Hahahahaha
When I was in high school there was a kid in one of my classes named Avi Sabaduquia. And he told the whole class that his middle name, Zeb, meant “Dark Wolf” in Hebrew. BIG MISTAKE! This is of course what I called him, forty times a day, every damn day. “Well lookie here, it’s Dark Wolf!” “Yo, Dark Wolf, can I get a basketball?” “I disagree with your views on the Vietnam war… Dark Wolf!” Yes, I was an asshole, and high school was/is a completely unforgiving place. And then one night (and this story is 100% true) Avi Sabaduquia called me at home, and told me that it hurt his feelings when I called him Dark Wolf, and asked me to please stop. AND I TOTALLY DID!! I was like, “Yeah, okay. I’m sorry.” Hahahaha. Points to Dark Wolf. for having the balls to make that phone call. Completely shook me.
Oh right. Are the characters good? No. They are awesome.
Does it Hate Women?
Hate is a strong word. And yes, this movie hates them. The Pre-Willow checkbox for fantasy movies consists of women who are one or more of the following:
*nameless
*a sex symbol
*an evil sorceress
*about to be killed or raped
Exceptions to this rule do not exist, and Fire and Ice helped set this rule.
And you know what? That’s so strange. It really is. Even from just a money making standpoint, how do you just look at half your potential audience and go “Mmmmmm … not for you.”
No wonder females were conditioned to hate nerds. Nerds hated them first.
Is there more?
Nope. What you see is what you get. This movie has more the way that Netflix promises “More great movies!” or the way athletes say there’s “More to my personality.” There is not more.
Is it Worth Watching?
Honestly, I think it is. It’s such unique, strange, wonderfully cringy little piece of nostalgia that I think its worth watching the free version that’s been on youtube since 2014. That is so sad. Nobody is coming to claim the rights to that film. It’s the kid waiting for a negligent parent…in the rain…. After soccer practice.
Sorry champ. Something came up.
