It’s gym season, everyone. November thru March in Utah are collectively Mordor; a wasteland of bad weather and non-events that strive every year to break our spirits and dampen our… spirits…??? Dammit it’s happening already.
And while there may be many ways to fight the sadness, I prefer to go to the gym under the pretense of exercising, and then instead spend all my time in the hot tub, the steam room, or the tanning booth. Everyone works up a sweat differently. Don’t yuck my yum.
But I also get a kick out of continuing my quest to watch a cherished fantasy film from each year in the 1980s. And 1985 held a truly special treat …
Shit. Not that one. THIS one …
Fuk ya.
Is it fun?
Ladyhawke is a movie that came out tragically sooner than it should have. The concept of it is perhaps the greatest premise for any fantasy movie, EVER. Like all great fantasy, it’s the tale of a knight errant and his magical lady – but it also has a curse, and a star-crossed love story, and Michelle Pfieffer. In theory, it’s a classic. But… then they had to try and put this thing onto a screen in 1985, and the technology was years away.
Half the movie is set at night. KIND OF! Shooting night scenes outside in 1985 meant actually filming at 4pm with blue kleenex draped over the lens. Have you ever watched an old James Bond movie attempt a car chase at night?
For many generations, cartoons actually did nighttime better than movies. It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown is the most night-time show ever made. Batman: The Animated Series was illustrated on a black background so that it always felt like night-time (true story!). But in Ladyhawke, the nighttime looks like this:
And that’s kind of the theme for the whole production of this film – It probably looked better in the director’s head. Michelle Pfeiffer’s is only on screen at nighttime because during daylight hours she’s a hawk. The idea of a woman trying to hunt a rabbit because, up until moments ago, she was a hawk, is awesome. I bet that would be a great scene if they made it today. But yelling action and telling Michelle Pfieffer to be “more falcony” when she runs around chasing a bunny, is less awesome. She didn’t get to the top of mid-80s Hollywood for her skills as a therianthrope.
In Michelle Pfeiffer’s defense, you don’t do a lot of character-acting when you’re ALWAYS the hottest character.
I’m rambling! Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.
You see, as the story progresses, you realize that he is a wolf at night time, while she is a hawk(e) during the day. Apparently, neither of them ever sleep. There’s a scene about two thirds into the movie, where our lovers, on the edge of transforming, have the chance to see one another briefly while both in their human forms. Laying next to his lady love in a pit of thatched evergreen boughs, our hero (Navarre) wakes from his curse as dawn breaks, the warmth of the sunlight causing him to once again shed the hated form of the wolf. Next to him, his lady, (Isabeau) catches only the briefest glimpse of her beloved before the daylight hits her skin (cuz she’s a tiny bit back in the shadow of the wall behind her, so it takes longer for the curse of daylight to find her) (kind of a cool idea, right?) before she subsequently turns into a hawk, and flies away. This moment, though brief, is the first time the lovers have “seen” one another in many long years, and it’s enough to melt their hearts as the reminder of their love forces them to abandon old hurts, and truly be one in purpose.
Awesome, right?
But here’s how it looks in the movie.
Hahaha. Ladyhawke is fun in the same way that 8-Bit NES NINJA TURTLES was fun, or the way that like, Legos are fun – it’s fun if you’re willing to do a lot of the heavy lifting. Ladyhawke is as fun as you are willing to make it, by reminding yourself that this was 1985 and movies really were worse back then. They were! I promise! Movies are one of the few forms of entertainment that we have actually gotten drastically better in our lifetime. Sports have not changed much. Music has arguably gotten worse. Movies, and to a lesser extent tv, have become almost too good. Hunger Games would have been the greatest movie ever made if it looked exactly how it does now but it came out in 1985. Instead it’s a movie I never watch.
Are the characters gewd?
Ya! They are. You have the rogue, Gaston
Or like, Phillipe Gaston, aka “The Mouse.”
And Matthew Broderick acts his darn heart out. Mayyyybe don’t fucking bother with the English accent. No one else does. No one else even attempts an accent. Not all fantasy is British.
Then there’s Navarre, the dishonored captain of the Bishop’s elite guard.
And because he is Rutger Hauer and very dope, he dared love a woman that the horny bishop coveted…
… the two of them were cursed to forever live opposite of one another as animals, by like… Christian God, I guess. Hahaha. That’ll teach you to fuckin’ defy the Bishop’s lust for young girls.
And here’s another thing that Ladyhawk gets right; making the Church the bad guy. [Chef’s kiss]. The Diablo video game series proved that you can do D&D without the pantheon of D&D gods. D&D gods are stupid. Christianity already covers followers from every alignment. And it has a God who is just like, “Well I created them, but if they aren’t exactly like me, then fuck ‘em!” Hahaha. Christianity is capable of anything from chaotic evil to lawful good. The Bishop in this movie is a fantastic bad guy. He’s rich, powerful, and really really likes to hear sexual confessions… he was just like my bishop!
Gross.
Does it hate women?
Ya. There is ONE named female character in this movie. Her entire character arc revolves around reciprocating the love of a man. Other female characters include, “girls-that-the-bishop-bones,” and “non-verbal-retarded-peasant-wife.” Honestly though, this lady fuckin KILLS at playing a retarded peasant. Like, she’s maybe the best part of the movie:
Gawd she’s the best.
But that’s it for female characters. The drunken old monk could have just been a witch. A cool one. The perfect enemy to Christian god and his constant wolf/hawk curses.
Is there more?
No, and that’s fine. It’s a one shot. If the premise of this movie were the premise of your D&D campaign (or character), you’d love it to death. By day, a disgraced paladin turned blackguard (he is TOTALLY a blackgaurd) with a ladyhawke animal companion; by night, the smoldering seductress of innocence with a direwolf guardian. Also you have an ancestral sword with jewels from each of your fore-bearers, marking the compilation of their spiritual quest. Yours will be added once you kill the bishop.
Is it worth watching?
But … it’s not your D&D campaign. It’s a movie that cost 20 million dollars to make, and has beautiful cinematography. Like, really beautiful…
And cool costume work…
And at least three good actors…
Also I think the bishop is an excellent bad guy…
But it has maybe the worst soundtrack ever made, special effects that didn’t age well, and fight scenes that look like Little House on the Prairie. Much of it just doesn’t hold up [shrug]. That’s okay. Skip this one, but watch the remake for sure, when they inevitably make it in the next few years. It will somehow be worse, but it SHOULD be better. It will be written and directed by A.I. Bot #4, have no discernible plot, and never include anything that could possibly offend anyone. Shit, I just changed my mind. Watch this one instead.
