It’s time to tell the story of King Arthur and his noble knights…

Not that one.

Nope.

Actually that one is kinda good. 

This one was supposed to spawn Marvel-esque series of crossover blockbusters. Nobody better to helm such project than Guy Richie. 

King Arthur, and Merlin, and the sword in the stone, and squirrels trying to have sex with Arthur while he was transformed into a squirrel… these stories have been told ad naseum since like forever. They’ve been operas, and silent films, cartoons, mini-series, and one fantastic side-scrolling arcade classic.  Someday an intrepid young film director will give the whole thing her life’s work and create a movie that captures the Arthurian legend the way that Peter Jackson captured Lord of the Rings. 

And she’ll be Asian. Because I mean…won’t she?

But, Excalibur is not that movie.

Is it fun?

Do they still make edited versions of films for tv? I haven’t seen like TNT or TBS in so long that I guess I wonder do they still edit movies or do they just like, show the movie now in all its naked glory? If edited versions of movies are gone, then I grieve for the loss. Those things were great, and they let you see grown up films and blurred nipples that you normally weren’t allowed to watch. Or just like … movies you couldn’t even access. If you didn’t have a cool older sibling, or a friend with rich negligent parents, you just never got to see violent, dark, sex-filled movies unless they came on tv. 

And Excalibur was the shit on tv. Everyone walked around in full armor, always all the time. These guys eat, drink and sex in their armor. Everyone at the wedding party is wearing armor, not just Roose Bolton.

Dress code is business casual.


This movie had beautiful women, and magic, and a chosen one, and a dope sword. And the action scenes would leave in all the blood spurts and the blood was just bright red and looked like Clive Barker’s wet dream. 

So while much of Excalibur’s effects, and makeup, and…errr…acting.. admittedly feel silly by modern movie standards, it is nevertheless fun. It was a movie that epitomized fun in an era when movies were still designed to be fun. Instead of being a great movie, it just tries everything. But it tries so damn hard that you never stop cheering for it – like a retarded kid playing baseball. If the director wants to put in a 20 minute scene of Merlin wandering around a foggy crystal cave, it’s in. What about a Sir Lancelot doing a Luke-fights-Vader-on-Dagobah-but-it’s-really-himself scene? Same. In. No question. They will never release an unedited version of this movie because literally nothing was edited out. Sometimes it takes Arthur like 45 seconds to stand up from a chair and you just watch it. And shut up, it’s fun.

Does it hate women? 

I’m not going saying that its realistic to depict women as equals in medieval Europe, but I mean… maybe try a little? Hahaha. Like, this movie was made in1981, and it’s fantasy myth. It’s not nonfiction.  Couldn’t the storytelling at least reflect like societal norms of the story-teller? Or maybe they do? Shit I don’t know. What I do know is that this movie hates the hell out of women. 

There was a lot of rape in fantasy movies in the 1980s. They were all pretty nonchalant about it until 1988, when Willow went against the grain and was like, “What if we didn’t rape?” And people loved it! There were TONS of people who liked fantasy movies but preferred no rape. Who knew?! But Excalibur haaaaaaaaaaaaaaates women. There are like three named female characters. Igraine, who Uther rapes in front of her daughter to conceive Arthur.  Guinevere, who marries Arthur and then bones his best friend. And Morgana, who rapes Arthur and uses black magic cuz shez evul. Each suffers a shitty fate for their women-being. That will teach them.

Side note Did you know that Helen Miren was moderately attractive when she was younger? Trick question. She was a STONE COLD FOX.

Are the characters gewd?

This movie has Gabriel Byrne, Liam Neeson, Patrick Stewart, and Ciaran Hinds.

Do any of them play King Arthur? They do not. Instead, that role is left up to this guy…

He pretty much always looks like that. And he talks like a dog eating peanut butter.

Merlin is zesty as hell.

In the 1980s, male singers did not need to be remotely attractive to be famous, and people who starred in a dozen movies did not at all need to be good actors. Back then they just handed out jobs, and you watched what was on tv, and nobody took a deep dive about where all the disappeared characters went on Family Matters. The characters in Excalibur aren’t good, but I’m not sure the movie really gives a shit. It had bigger fish to fry. Just ask Merlin.

Is it worth watching?

Gah. No. And I really thought it would be when I watched it as an adult. The costume and makeup work is very unique and fun, and you genuinely get the sense that everyone involved swung for the fences. But again – retarded kid playing baseball. It’s 2 hours and 20 minutes you will never get back, and a lot of it is, well, pretty unwatchable.

I don’t know. I always want movies like this to be great and hold up over four decades but, they usually don’t.  Not everything from childhood can stay gold. Just Helen Mirren.